In friendships and relationships, there’s a triumvirate that takes place: INTEREST, INTENT, and INVESTMENT. There isn’t a specific order for these three elements, but all must be present in order for any semblance of a successful friendship or relationship. Here’s a better description of what I mean when I discuss the triumvirate.
INTEREST = Easily summed up as “Huh, you have captivated my attention.” This could be in a romantic way, a physical way, an emotional way, a mental way. Something that gets one’s attention on another human being. In friendships, it is often manifested in similar likes and dislikes. In romance, it is often that initial physical attraction that leads to an emotional or mental attraction. You’ll never befriend or date someone who doesn’t interest you on some level. No friendship or relationship could ever work if the parties are not interested in each other.
INTENT = The “why I’m with you” factor, the purpose, the reason. Why are you connecting with someone? Spending time with someone? What’s your purpose? You connect with someone because you want to get to know them better, you want to share things with them, you want them to share things with you. Your purpose could be that you think they might be intellectually stimulating for you. Your purpose could be that you want to makeout with them. Your purpose could be that you think they could be your soulmate, your best friend, your battle buddy, etc. Friendships and relationships happen for a reason, so find your purpose.
INVESTMENT = The “How I spend time with you” part. If you want someone in your life, you spend time with them on some level. Maybe you communicate through text messages, long distance phone calls, letters, emails, over coffee, out at your favorite club on a Friday night, on that once a year trip to Jamaica with the girls, on a daily 5-minute FaceTime. What YOU do to spend time developing a friendship or romantic relationship with that other person. In order for a friendship or relationship to work, both parties need to be equally invested.
A person’s intent to meet other people or date other people could then spark an interest with someone which would promote an investment with that person. A person could be interested/attracted to someone which would encourage investment then lead to the intention of purposefully spending time with that other individual. A person could find themselves investing in the life of someone else then eventually develop interest and intention. Maybe even interest, intent, and investment can all happen at the same time too. The variables are plenty.
With considering these three items, I acknowledge that I was and am disappointed on what did and did not happen tonight with Pete (“Mr. Kittens”).
Big sigh.
On Sunday during our several-hour talk, Pete asked me to reserve this evening for him, so I did. I rearranged my schedule to free up my Wednesday night which included getting a haircut a day earlier because I wanted to look cute for Pete.
Monday, Pete hadn’t said anything about where and when we’d meet up. Tuesday, nothing again. He had already warned me that he’s horrible at texting, so I was giving him space. Wednesday afternoon, I started getting nervous but knew that Pete gets heavily focused at work.
When my phone rang at 6:45 PM and it was Pete, I smiled. Figured he was calling to tell me where to meet him.
Nope. Not what happened.
Fast-forwarding through an awkward conversation, Pete did not meet up with me but said we could reschedule to Sunday. I don’t know him well enough to know if this is his M.O., if this is unusual, etc. What I do know is that he should have communicated to me earlier in the day that he wasn’t feeling like hanging out so I could have adjusted my schedule accordingly. He mentioned he thought I was going to check to see about tonight, but that’s not how things should be. He’s the one who picked the day (evening, really), so he’s the one who needed to have clarified the plans. I’m actually okay with spontaneity in making last-minute plans, but I don’t like when plans are canceled last minute. I hadn’t curled my hair or baked cookies for nothing.
After what happened with Pete, I thought about what I do and don’t want. Following my breakup with Ross, I was an absolute mess this summer (We already know I should never have gone out on that one date with Devon and that I pretend I’ve had it annulled.). Come October, I thought maybe I was ready and started putting feelers out for the dating world again. I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted, and that was true even until the beginning of this month. I’ve contemplated taking advantage of the whole dating world of one night stands, friends with benefits, etc., but decided against both. Dehumanizing guys in those situations never works well. I learned those lessons in my younger years. I don’t sleep around. I don’t play with guys’ hearts, minds, or bodies. I aim to never find myself again in a position where a guy can play with my heart or mind either. I’m done with the Walters (college/grad school ex) and the Devons in this world. I’m done with games. It has taken me a while, but I now know what I want.
What I want now is to be open to a relationship. See, I said “open to a relationship” and not “in a relationship” because there’s a difference. I’m not looking to jump head first into a new relationship and marry the guy two weeks later. I’m merely trying to date with the intention of seeing if a guy has potential for a more serious relationship.
My conversation with Pete tonight got a lot deeper than I had expected or desired, but it is what it is. I left the conversation feeling more frustrated and felt like dating need not be so tricky. We’re adults now, aren’t we?
If a guy enjoys a girl’s company and asks her out on several dates, that’s dating. To me at least. It is not complicated. You spend time with someone individually and in groups to get to know that person in order to see if you want to enter into a deeper level of dating with that person. There’s no pressure to become exclusive, to get super serious. There’s just a level of INTENT to get to know someone better. The idea of intent can be both in relationships and friendships. The “I want to get to know this person better” part. That’s all it is.
Pete has already expressed INTEREST in me. He admitted he finds me attractive, smart, worth being around, etc.. He started to INVEST in our friendship too. But here’s the tricky part . . . He isn’t sure of his INTENTIONS. If he isn’t sure he wants to date anyone again or enter into a relationship, why is he asking girls (me) out? A lack of intention with his stated interest and acted-upon investments doesn’t make sense.
If Pete doesn’t know what he wants and is confused–which is totally fine–I’m going to take some space. I don’t want to get closer to someone who isn’t sure what they want. Honestly, I hope I’m still here when he figures out what he wants. He shared with me that he isn’t seeing anyone else but that he’d understand if I wanted to date other people. He didn’t want to hold me back from someone or something better.
He’s certainly not the first or last guy I will meet who appears to be petrified of getting into any semblance of a relationship. I’m always amazed and disappointed with the number of people who can’t push their past behind them. If you’re broken, get help, fix yourself, move on, be better! I’m preaching this to myself and others! Believe me. One thing I won’t tolerate is grown men who Peter Pan it through life. We’re too old for stupid stuff like that.
If Pete wants to spend more time with me, to get to know me, I’m open to that. I’d like to spend more time with him. He’s been my favorite of the handful of guys I’ve gone out with this year. Even talking with him or about him brings a stupid smile to my face. He’s an interesting guy, and I enjoy his company.
If Pete can’t figure out his intentions, doesn’t want to get to know me better, and won’t spend time with me, that will have to be okay. I’m not going to pressure anyone into a friendship or a relationship with me. That never works out.
I told Pete that we should talk later in the week, that I would give him space, that if he decides his intent and I’m still interested to give it a go. And by “it” I mean the casual dating thing. The whole “get to know you because I’m interested in you and want to spend more time with you to see if maybe you’re the type of person I want more in my life” kind of thing.
Another big sigh.
I need a nap and a Kit-Kat.
AEA 