I’ve been battling a cold or flu or something this week. When I arrived at group dinner, I felt off. I was early as usual, and everybody else was a little tardy as usual. Claire’s boyfriend joined us this time for a change which the dynamics of our normal group dinner different.
Marcus was the first to arrive, and I immediately felt myself bristle. Why? Was it because I wasn’t feeling well or because things had been so weird the last time he and I had gone out on our non-date date? The night where we said too much and drank too much? The night he should have at least made out with me?
I definitely knew I didn’t feel like putting up with anybody’s bullshit even his. And I told him that. He laughed, “Well, you’re in a mood.” I nodded in agreement.
Most of my dinner conversations were with Claire, a handful with her boyfriend, and but a few with Marcus. I didn’t want to talk with him because all I wanted to do was talk with him. Does that even make sense? Dear lord, I’m losing my mind.
By the end of dinner, any barrier I had put up against Marcus had been chiseled away. I can’t stay distant from him. I can’t stay mad at him. I can’t stay away from him. It’s awful.
It amused me to realize that Marcus, though clearly attempting to converse with Claire’s boyfriend, was far more eager to listen into my conversations with Claire especially as she asked me about my date(s) with Pete. Any time my dating life came up, Marcus got distracted by us. It was such an honest response that I dared not acknowledge it mentally.
The four of us walked downtown to grab a quick dessert. I noticed his body language in comparison to my own. His body is always angled toward me, and mine does the same for him. Every time. His eyes sparkle when they look at me. And his wink? Did he really need to wink at me? Does he know what he does to me when he does that?
At the end of the night, Claire and her boyfriend said goodnight to us then walked away. Marcus stayed a moment longer though he knew I had to walk in the opposite direction. He was waiting for me. He was definitely waiting for me. We stood there and smiled at each other for a moment too long before I admitted I was a little buzzed and said I probably shouldn’t have said whatever I said the night he and I had gone out. He shook off my apologies and said he had a great time. He said that again even after I admitted I didn’t remember everything that had been said. Marcus shyly admitted that things had gotten intense last time, that more things would have happened had I stayed longer. I was glad to hear him say that for at least now I know I’m not the only one who thought that was on the table. So much talk and so little action! Ugh.
We hugged again then began walking away from each other. He called out and said he’d text me, so I looked back and told him he wouldn’t but could. He just laughed. We both know I’m right.
As I walked back to my car, I forced myself to send him a quick text.
Me: I remember almost asking you out, talking about things we probably shouldn’t have, and wondering why you didn’t kiss me. That’s what I remember. Am I missing anything?
Marcus: If you had asked me to makeout that night, I totally would have.
I read then re-read Marcus’s text numerous times before starting my car. I quickly texted back.
Me: Why didn’t we? Why haven’t we? Lol.
Marcus: Because I’ve been hesitant to complicate things or lead you on.
Me: Things are already complicated between us and always have been. Doubt that will change. I want to makeout with you.
I pulled my car over to the side of the road and took a deep breath waiting for Marcus to tell me to come over to his place or for him to reject me or for something. I waited a good five minutes, but he didn’t say anything. I drove onward. He didn’t text me back for a while, but my heart nearly stopped when I got his next text.
Marcus: Well, we will have to do that sometime.
Me: Soon, I hope.
And then I drove home.
So there we are. It has finally been stated. Sheesh. Took us nearly 4 years.
If we makeout, will it complicate things? I really don’t think so. We’re already so complicated as is. Will he lead me on if he makes out with me? I really don’t think so of this either. He’s been weirdly upfront about everything, and I thought I’ve been upfront of what I think is happening. But then again, I’m sure it will complicate things between us. There’s too much history for nothing to happen, but I’m ready for the risk. Maybe we won’t like how we kiss. Maybe we’ll like it a lot. Maybe it will end our friendship. Maybe it would start a relationship. I have no idea. I don’t want to stay where we are now.
All I can say is that I need to makeout with Marcus soon. Enough is enough. Let’s figure this thing out once and for all.
AEA 