Mission Update: Part 1

It’s been a few weeks since my last post because my schedule has been rather busy.  Between familial obligations and traveling, I haven’t had a lot of traditional downtime.  December, thus far, has not disappointed though.  These first two weeks of the month have been full of activity.  

Things have/have not gone anywhere with Pete.  (Is anyone surprised?)  He’s been calling me occasionally on his ride home from work.  We tend to chat for an hour or so with plenty of lighthearted and flirtatious banter.  Sometimes weird, but usually playful and silly.  He’s said a few times that he’s missed me and that we should hang out, but he hasn’t actually asked me out again or invited me over.  I’m feeling far less pressure to hang out with him, flirt with him, makeout with him, etc.  He’s not made time for me in his schedule other than the emotional connection of those phone calls, and I haven’t been curious or interested enough to figure out why.  I’ve not lost interest in Pete entirely, but my focus has been directed elsewhere as of late.

Platonic What?

After all that’s happened this month with Pete and men in general, I came up with a horrible plan last night as I tried to fall asleep.

What if I played along with Pete’s platonic friend request while merely choosing to let him fulfill my emotional, mental, and maybe even some physical needs?  Downright use him like guys always do to me!  (Hush, I know this is a HORRIBLE idea, but it keeps making me giggle.)

I could probably turn this into a whole Friends-With-Benefits scenario.  I’m tired of getting F’d over, so why not do it a little myself instead?  Pretty sure my “Pete Can Call It Platonic But That’s Not What I’m Doing” plan is a solid mess, and I love it.

Defining the Undefined

I’ve felt more feelings in 2017 than I ever like to feel.  This past holiday weekend was no exception.

Oh Thanksgiving . . .  Where do I begin?

Facebook seems to be doing her darndest not to let me ever forget anything I ever did with my ex including the last three Thanksgivings I had spent with him.  Thoughts of him still yield a dosage of hurt for myself, but I hurt for him too.  I wondered if he had found a place to spend Thanksgiving.  He may always hold a place in my heart, but I just can’t have him hold a place in my life!

Thanksgiving lunch with my extended family greatly surpassed my expectations.  I actually had a lovely time.  Even spent some quality time with my favorite cousin.  

After lunch, I stopped by Pete’s place to bring him a plate of Thanksgiving deliciousness from my family’s party.  Pete, not seeming to be close to his family, had made no plans to be anywhere for Thanksgiving.  I felt badly for him, so I offered to bring him food.

My time with Pete that night was the weirdest yet.  Intentionally or not, Pete made me feel really stupid that Thursday night.  I tried to be honest and vulnerable with him because that’s how good friendships start, how people get to know each other when they’re casually dating and dating.  After all, Pete’s the first guy I’ve gone out with on more than one date in years.  I found myself opening up to the idea of dating Pete intellectually, emotionally, and physically.  But Pete?  Pete was downright cold to me on Thursday night.  I left early and cried on my way home.  Great 4th date!  NOT.

Pete and I did not speak to each other at all on Friday.  On Saturday, we texted briefly.  Pete admitted he was pulling back but that he still wanted to be my friend.  I called BS on that.  He then said he wasn’t that attracted to me anymore.  What kind of guy tells a girl that?  No woman ever wants to hear that a guy no longer finds her physically or sexually attractive.  There are far better ways he could have communicated his disinterest than using those words.  If he had met someone else who sparked his fancy more, that’s okay.  He could have told me he simply weren’t interested in casually dating me.  He didn’t need to insult my looks or sexuality.  

I cried again.

Incorrigible, Resilient Hope

2017 has not been my favorite year. It may actually be my least favorite year in all of my years thus far. Still trying to see the positivity in all that has happened and is happening. I’m trying to view the struggles in an encouraging light. I’ve cried myself to sleep more often than not this year (Migraines LOVE it when you cry! It fuels them.). So, here’s to seeing the good in the bad.

• If I never had chronic migraines, I would never be so sympathetic to others with invisible wounds, hurts, and illnesses. You never know what someone else is going through.
• If I never had a car that broke down at the most inopportune times, I would never have valued how willing and capable my dad is when it comes to basic mechanics.
• If I never had my cat nearly die on me this year, I would never have acknowledged how much I love that stupid demon kitty no matter how horrible of a cat she is.
• If I never had my heart broken, I would never have known how much even I could love. Me. Truly love another human being. Used to think it was impossible.
• If I never ended my long-term relationship with the man I was dating for several years, I would never have realized the person I was with wasn’t for me nor was I for him no matter how difficult it was to lose that relationship, that friendship. I wish nothing but the best for that man. Earlier this year, I couldn’t say that. But I can now.
• If I never had loved someone to the point where it nearly ruined me, I would never have this incorrigible hope deep in my belly that I will meet someone someday who—instead of ruining me—stands beside me to form this life-altering duo of awesomeness. With matching rings of power (or wedding bands, whatever you mere mortals call them).
• If I never spent so many hours meal prepping and sweating my butt off in and out of the gym, I would never have shed these 30 lbs and 30+ inches off my body this calendar year alone. “What’s good for the body is good for the mind” rings true again and again!
• If I never had found myself homeless and jobless this summer, I would never have appreciated the generosity and hospitality of friends and family.
• If I never had lost a dear friend, I would never have treasured my gal pals as much as I do now.
• If I never had cried so hard that I couldn’t breath only to discover I could keep crying for days/weeks/months, I would never have relished being hugged so fiercely by my mom who gives the best hugs on the planet.
• If I never had gone out with guys who treated me like all I was to them was a bunch of holes to fill and a face to hit, I would never have respected the few exceptions of kind men out there.
• If I never had been rejected by so many job opportunities, I would never have tasted the sweetness of being accepted and of being valued. (I’m still looking for a better job if y’all know of anything.)
• If I never had 2017 to be year full of the deaths of all my dreams and hopes in my adult life, I would never have understood that dreams can be altered or changed because life isn’t fair or predictable. (Honestly, I’m still working to understand this. There’s still a few more weeks in 2017 after all.)

2017 has been my year of holding onto hope so closely that I’m practically strangling it because that’s all I can do. This has not been a rebuilding year for me. This has been a destroying year. A broken year. A refining year. As usual, I’ve learned more life lessons than I would ever have desired!

Here’s to making the best of whatever’s left in 2017. “Every cloud has a silver lining.”

Casual Dating

This weekend, Pete asked me to hang out with him.  A big part of me wanted to immediately agree to that, but a small part of me wondered if hanging out with him again was actually going to be a good idea.  Going with my November mantra of “be open to new possibilities and put myself out there”, I agreed to meet him again.

Pete’s just another one of those things in my life of which I wish I had a better understanding.  Before I arrived, we discussed relationships, dating, and everything in between.  He, recently out of a bad relationship, shared he isn’t looking for anything serious.  I’m still wondering why I keep choosing to hang out with him because that’s probably a bad idea as I’m not really into the whole casual scene, but I can’t even figure myself out.  

To me, casual dating seems stupid and illogical.  If a person isn’t looking for anything serious, they shouldn’t be dating.  If they’re looking for a hookup, own up to that.  If they’re looking to have the emotional benefits of someone in their life without the physical, own up to that too.  Casual dating is nothing.  Casual dating means that person who is spending time with you isn’t invested in you.  

So for Pete to tell me he’d only like to casually date me for now means that he isn’t that into me.  Honesty sucks sometimes, but that’s the truth.  Maybe he’ll be into me in a bigger way with time, maybe not.  Maybe he views me as a temporary placeholder for whatever he’s hoping will come his way in the future.  Viewing my friendship with Pete in that light doesn’t make me feel very good, but I keep choosing to give my time to him.  He’s stupid, but so am I.

The “I” Triumvirate

In friendships and relationships, there’s a triumvirate that takes place: INTEREST, INTENT, and INVESTMENT.  There isn’t a specific order for these three elements, but all must be present in order for any semblance of a successful friendship or relationship.  Here’s a better description of what I mean when I discuss the triumvirate.

INTEREST = Easily summed up as “Huh, you have captivated my attention.”  This could be in a romantic way, a physical way, an emotional way, a mental way.  Something that gets one’s attention on another human being.  In friendships, it is often manifested in similar likes and dislikes.  In romance, it is often that initial physical attraction that leads to an emotional or mental attraction.  You’ll never befriend or date someone who doesn’t interest you on some level.  No friendship or relationship could ever work if the parties are not interested in each other.

INTENT = The “why I’m with you” factor, the purpose, the reason.  Why are you connecting with someone?  Spending time with someone?  What’s your purpose?  You connect with someone because you want to get to know them better, you want to share things with them, you want them to share things with you.  Your purpose could be that you think they might be intellectually stimulating for you.  Your purpose could be that you want to makeout with them.  Your purpose could be that you think they could be your soulmate, your best friend, your battle buddy, etc.  Friendships and relationships happen for a reason, so find your purpose.

INVESTMENT = The “How I spend time with you” part.  If you want someone in your life, you spend time with them on some level.  Maybe you communicate through text messages, long distance phone calls, letters, emails, over coffee, out at your favorite club on a Friday night, on that once a year trip to Jamaica with the girls, on a daily 5-minute FaceTime.  What YOU do to spend time developing a friendship or romantic relationship with that other person.  In order for a friendship or relationship to work, both parties need to be equally invested.

A person’s intent to meet other people or date other people could then spark an interest with someone which would promote an investment with that person.  A person could be interested/attracted to someone which would encourage investment then lead to the intention of purposefully spending time with that other individual.  A person could find themselves investing in the life of someone else then eventually develop interest and intention.  Maybe even interest, intent, and investment can all happen at the same time too.  The variables are plenty.  

With considering these three items, I acknowledge that I was and am disappointed on what did and did not happen tonight with Pete (“Mr. Kittens”).

Big sigh.

On Sunday during our several-hour talk, Pete asked me to reserve this evening for him, so I did.  I rearranged my schedule to free up my Wednesday night which included getting a haircut a day earlier because I wanted to look cute for Pete.

Monday, Pete hadn’t said anything about where and when we’d meet up.  Tuesday, nothing again.  He had already warned me that he’s horrible at texting, so I was giving him space.  Wednesday afternoon, I started getting nervous but knew that Pete gets heavily focused at work.  

When my phone rang at 6:45 PM and it was Pete, I smiled.  Figured he was calling to tell me where to meet him.

Nope.  Not what happened.

Gratitude

Today?  It’s all about gratitude.  I would fail to accurately describe my gratitude for my friends and family who have been there for me and keep being there for me.

For my dad, who will randomly pull me in for a hug even though that’s very much not who he is.  Or, really, who I am.  I don’t always realize how much a hug is exactly what I need until it’s delivered.  And his hugs are always good.

For my friends like Aubrey, Kristy, Todd, Jay, etc., who graciously respond to my ridiculous texts or comments over drinks.  My friends have been not only emotionally supportive but also mentally supportive as they’ve given me tools, activities to do, and problem scenarios to consider. 

Peace

For the first time in I don’t know how long, I’ve finally had a few moments of peace.  There’s been a hurricane in my heart and mind for months, maybe even years.  But right now?  At this unique moment in time?  I have peace.

It’s not just having written down my standards or goals or 5-year plan (all of which I’ve done since my latest major life upheaval), but it’s that lightbulb moment where I known I have the right idea, the right standards, the right goals, the right plans.  And I’m okay with modifying any of those at any time. 

50 Days Remaining

50 days . . . A mere 50 days until 2018. 50 days to complete my final 2017 resolution. And things are not going well. Deer in headlights time!

What is my final 2017 resolution you ask?  Oh dear.  Pause for a moment and lower your standards for resolutions.

Now lower them again.

Keep going.

LOWER.

KEEP GOING LOWER!

You’re In A Mood

I’ve been battling a cold or flu or something this week.  When I arrived at group dinner, I felt off.  I was early as usual, and everybody else was a little tardy as usual.  Claire’s boyfriend joined us this time for a change which the dynamics of our normal group dinner different.  

Marcus was the first to arrive, and I immediately felt myself bristle.  Why?  Was it because I wasn’t feeling well or because things had been so weird the last time he and I had gone out on our non-date date?  The night where we said too much and drank too much?  The night he should have at least made out with me?  

I definitely knew I didn’t feel like putting up with anybody’s bullshit even his.  And I told him that.  He laughed, “Well, you’re in a mood.”  I nodded in agreement.  

Most of my dinner conversations were with Claire, a handful with her boyfriend, and but a few with Marcus.  I didn’t want to talk with him because all I wanted to do was talk with him.  Does that even make sense?  Dear lord, I’m losing my mind.