Peace

For the first time in I don’t know how long, I’ve finally had a few moments of peace.  There’s been a hurricane in my heart and mind for months, maybe even years.  But right now?  At this unique moment in time?  I have peace.

It’s not just having written down my standards or goals or 5-year plan (all of which I’ve done since my latest major life upheaval), but it’s that lightbulb moment where I known I have the right idea, the right standards, the right goals, the right plans.  And I’m okay with modifying any of those at any time. 

50 Days Remaining

50 days . . . A mere 50 days until 2018. 50 days to complete my final 2017 resolution. And things are not going well. Deer in headlights time!

What is my final 2017 resolution you ask?  Oh dear.  Pause for a moment and lower your standards for resolutions.

Now lower them again.

Keep going.

LOWER.

KEEP GOING LOWER!

A Lack of Anniversaries and Patience

Today would have been my 3rd anniversary with Ross had we stayed together.  The death of a dream (the idea of us) bothers me today far more than the reality.  I thought we’d be engaged by now, maybe even married.  I thought we’d be figuring out when to have kids.  I never imagined I’d be single and childless at my age.  I never thought I’d be where I am now, but that’s how it is.  I’m back to square one.  Sure, it is true in that I’d rather be lonely and single than lonely in a relationship, but I’m still feeling sad today.  And that’s okay.  Ross and I couldn’t make it work.  I’ll never have another anniversary with him.

The lack of an anniversary with him isn’t what is bothering me, it is how I thought my life would be different from what it is today.  I feel sad and impatient.  Thought I’d be in a better place in life than where I currently am not only in relationships but also in my work, in my living situation, in my friendships.  I thought I’d be . . . more.  I thought I’ve worked hard enough for more by now.

It’s been a little over 24-hours since I heard back from Pete/Mr. Kittens.  Can’t say I’m pleased about that either.  Once again, I am impatient.  I just want to be with someone who is as eager to talk with me, spend time with me, be near me as I am for them and with them.  I have forgotten what it feels like to be valued, loved, cared for, sought after, cherished.

We always want what we don’t have.

I also want pizza.  #PizzaForever

Moving Forward, Bravely

Random Guy I met via similar interests on social media (thanks Myers-Briggs!): “I’m 6’2″, and I just adopted two kittens.”

Me, summoning my courage: “Here’s my number.”

. . . .

We spent a solid two hours talking on the phone and had an unexpected lovely time.

Forgetting to appear sweet and flirt like a normal person, I accidentally broke out in my Bobby’s Mom voice in the middle of our conversation.

Guy, laughing: “What?  Did you really just do the voice for the mom on Bobby’s World?  Oh gosh, you’re amazing.  I need to meet you in person.  I’m highly intrigued.”

Still not sure how to process any of that other than to acknowledge I look forward to going out on a date with him soon.

#BobbysMomFTW

Words I Didn’t Say

Ross,

You were right.  I thought about cheating on you.  Thought about leaving you many times.  You made me so unhappy.  Cheating on you would have been easy.  But I didn’t do anything.  I came back.  I wanted to make things work.  I wanted to try.  I was going to give us at least two more months of trying, but you decided we wouldn’t make it before that date ever arrived.  I am no cheater, but I’m not going to be spineless anymore.  I never earned the monicker of cheater no matter how many times you tried to make me leave you.  You like pushing people away, so here we are.  I am worthy of love, of happiness.

The Truth (or Dare) Will Set You Free

Recently, I dined with friends.  Given my latest bought of introversion and lack of savings, I wasn’t in the mood to join in the merriment.  For the past two weeks, I’ve added to my list of excuses.  The morning before the group dinner, I continued to add to the myriad of reasons I had conjured in order to get out of the evening.  Even on my drive to meet my friends, I kept thinking of all the reasons and excuses I could still provide successfully to get out of dinner.  My friends would have been temporarily disappointed (I hope), but they would have continued on in their evening and made the best of it.  I could have easily sunk back into my introvert hole and wallowed in my minor bout of depression.  The abandoning of fun seemed like an exceptionally good idea.

I was the first to arrive at dinner and immediately regretted talking myself into attending.  The first friend to show up happened to be the person who normally shows up last, Marcus.  He looked nice, and I told him that.  He looked really nice.  Even better than the last time all of us had hung out.  I noticed he still hadn’t trimmed this wisp of hair at the nape of his neck.  I had an alarming urge to reach out stroke his hair, run my fingers down his neck, nibble on his ear, etc.  A host of things I had no business thinking.

Distance, Regret, Time, Resolve

Distance

I’ve consciously distanced myself from society and social media as of late.  Signed out, unplugged, deleted apps, turned off messaging options, declined invitations out, etc.  My so-called “friends” have disappointed me enough that I need a break from them, from everyone, from everything.  And since suicide is never sexy, becoming a sexy hermit for a bit will have to do.  

Friendship Pruning

We understand humans based off of how we interact with the world, how we think, how we would respond.

Considering I understand friendships and relationships based off how I would act or react, I have to conclude that the majority of my friends and acquaintances actually don’t care about me.  Why?  Because if I didn’t care about someone, I’d treat that person exactly how these people treat me.

It’s bad enough that love isn’t always reciprocal, but, unfortunately, friendship isn’t always either.

I’m not one for quantity of friends; I’m for quality.

Time to do a little pruning!

Robot Text

The familiar buzz of Ross’s text ID sounded today and stopped my heart–or what’s left of it.  All kinds of crazy thoughts flooded my mind.  I love him.  I hate him.  I wanna have his baby.  I should sue him.  I never want him to text me again.  I wish he’d text me every second of every day.  Etc.

I don’t often give my cell phone contacts specific text ID sounds, but I never regret doing so.  What’s left of my heart needs the warning every time.

The New Empire

And now I say goodbye. This is the last night I hold those dreams and love and hope and wishes and longings in my heart, my mind, my soul. I’m done with all of that. If it happens, it happens. But it won’t happen by my hand.

Today, I have officially moved. My five-year plans have been set. All of the boxes unpacked. Everything has changed whether I like it or not. I’ll be okay eventually. I always am. A little more broken and more bruised starting out this time than the usual, but I will heal. I will mend. I will grow stronger. I always do.

Tomorrow, I dig in deep. The foundation has been set. Tomorrow, I build.

The new empire has begun.