Today would have been my 3rd anniversary with Ross had we stayed together. The death of a dream (the idea of us) bothers me today far more than the reality. I thought we’d be engaged by now, maybe even married. I thought we’d be figuring out when to have kids. I never imagined I’d be single and childless at my age. I never thought I’d be where I am now, but that’s how it is. I’m back to square one. Sure, it is true in that I’d rather be lonely and single than lonely in a relationship, but I’m still feeling sad today. And that’s okay. Ross and I couldn’t make it work. I’ll never have another anniversary with him.
The lack of an anniversary with him isn’t what is bothering me, it is how I thought my life would be different from what it is today. I feel sad and impatient. Thought I’d be in a better place in life than where I currently am not only in relationships but also in my work, in my living situation, in my friendships. I thought I’d be . . . more. I thought I’ve worked hard enough for more by now.
It’s been a little over 24-hours since I heard back from Pete/Mr. Kittens. Can’t say I’m pleased about that either. Once again, I am impatient. I just want to be with someone who is as eager to talk with me, spend time with me, be near me as I am for them and with them. I have forgotten what it feels like to be valued, loved, cared for, sought after, cherished.
We always want what we don’t have.
I also want pizza. #PizzaForever
AEA 