50 days . . . A mere 50 days until 2018. 50 days to complete my final 2017 resolution. And things are not going well. Deer in headlights time!
What is my final 2017 resolution you ask? Oh dear. Pause for a moment and lower your standards for resolutions.
Now lower them again.
Keep going.
LOWER.
KEEP GOING LOWER! Continue reading “50 Days Remaining”
Today would have been my 3rd anniversary with Ross had we stayed together. The death of a dream (the idea of us) bothers me today far more than the reality. I thought we’d be engaged by now, maybe even married. I thought we’d be figuring out when to have kids. I never imagined I’d be single and childless at my age. I never thought I’d be where I am now, but that’s how it is. I’m back to square one. Sure, it is true in that I’d rather be lonely and single than lonely in a relationship, but I’m still feeling sad today. And that’s okay. Ross and I couldn’t make it work. I’ll never have another anniversary with him.
The lack of an anniversary with him isn’t what is bothering me, it is how I thought my life would be different from what it is today. I feel sad and impatient. Thought I’d be in a better place in life than where I currently am not only in relationships but also in my work, in my living situation, in my friendships. I thought I’d be . . . more. I thought I’ve worked hard enough for more by now.
It’s been a little over 24-hours since I heard back from Pete/Mr. Kittens. Can’t say I’m pleased about that either. Once again, I am impatient. I just want to be with someone who is as eager to talk with me, spend time with me, be near me as I am for them and with them. I have forgotten what it feels like to be valued, loved, cared for, sought after, cherished.
We always want what we don’t have.
I also want pizza. #PizzaForever
Ross,
You were right. I thought about cheating on you. Thought about leaving you many times. You made me so unhappy. Cheating on you would have been easy. But I didn’t do anything. I came back. I wanted to make things work. I wanted to try. I was going to give us at least two more months of trying, but you decided we wouldn’t make it before that date ever arrived. I am no cheater, but I’m not going to be spineless anymore. I never earned the monicker of cheater no matter how many times you tried to make me leave you. You like pushing people away, so here we are. I am worthy of love, of happiness.
Distance
I’ve consciously distanced myself from society and social media as of late. Signed out, unplugged, deleted apps, turned off messaging options, declined invitations out, etc. My so-called “friends” have disappointed me enough that I need a break from them, from everyone, from everything. And since suicide is never sexy, becoming a sexy hermit for a bit will have to do. Continue reading “Distance, Regret, Time, Resolve”
A toxic relationship takes a lot out of a person. One such toxic relationship took almost everything out of me. My ex, Ross, wanted a powerful woman by his side, but, once he started dating me, realized he’d have to either step up his own stuff or diminish me. He chose the latter. I realized one day I was no longer the strong, confident woman I once knew. Instead, I had become the weakest, most self-conscious version of myself–even worse than I could have imagined. I found myself questioning everything from my looks, my intelligence, my communication skills, my memory, and even my mental capacities. My ex had a way of consistently diminishing me whether he was consciously aware of it or not. He used his negative past relationships against me even though I had nothing to do with his past. He questioning my loyalty and faithfulness to him even though I knew I had never done anything wrong. Dating a narcissist with his own toxic shame issues, I started taking on blame that was not mine to take. Was I perfect in the relationship? No. But I always apologized for my shortcomings and errors. Even though our relationship was indeed toxic, I actually fell in love with that man. My heart loved him deeply even though my brain told me to leave the toxic relationship.
Now on the other side of that relationship, I don’t regret dating my ex. I learned a lot about relationships–what I do and do not want. I learned much about myself, who I want to be, and what I need to be. I also learned far more about what love is and is not than I could have learned without being in that toxic relationship.
Leaving that bad relationship left me with very little. I had no home, no job, no money, no plans, and no future prospects. Months later, I still have very little, but what I do have is hope. Hope for a better tomorrow.
The familiar buzz of Ross’s text ID sounded today and stopped my heart–or what’s left of it. All kinds of crazy thoughts flooded my mind. I love him. I hate him. I wanna have his baby. I should sue him. I never want him to text me again. I wish he’d text me every second of every day. Etc.
I don’t often give my cell phone contacts specific text ID sounds, but I never regret doing so. What’s left of my heart needs the warning every time.
A year ago, Marcus reentered my life. In hindsight, I’m still not sure if that turned out to be a good thing or not.
Last year, I posted on FB, “There comes that blissful day in a girl’s life when she leaves the house with no real plans only to discover it was a really really really really good idea that not only she showered this week but also decided to wear her best outfit that day for no real rhyme or reason.”
Seeing Marcus again made my heart happier than I thought it could be, but since that day? Having him back into my life has not brought the joy I had hoped. Newly single, I wanted to see if something could happen between me and Beard again. But nothing did. Marcus has had several months, and he’s not made any attempts to date me, to woo me, etc. My ex-boyfriend Ross was right . . . Marcus doesn’t care. At least not the way I thought he did or could have or should have. And that kind of sucks. Maybe I was always the one who pursued him–even on a platonic level. Continue reading “Marcus Revisited, Reentered”
I wish I could fast-forward through this stage I’m currently in. I wish I could skip to the part where everything that’s going on finally makes sense or at least to the part where I don’t feel like this any more. Fast-forward through the daily heartache, the consistent job rejections, the stress-induced migraines, the predictable insomnia, and all of this worrying. No, not worrying, thinking. It’s just constant thinking. I can’t silence my brain. Over-thinking. Over-analyzing. Reconsidering. Reworking. Recalculating. Reformatting. Replanning. I’m exhausted.
If I can’t fast-forward, I’d like to pause it all or stop it all.
I need a break.
Life Lesson #92317: Devon* does stupid stuff the best.
Just the other day I wrote down my thoughts about Devon, how I was frustrated with his constant game playing. The latest being his text to me followed by my response followed by . . . his silence. Devon was all over social media, so I knew he was intentionally ignoring my message. That was enough for me.
To my surprise, I was up early this other morning. Still not sure what prompted me to text him and share my thoughts, but, hey, it happened. Told him I thought he was being a jerk and some other more colorful things. Far more colorful than I ever normally speak. (Texting before 10 AM is always a bad idea for me. Brain never functions well that early.) Unfortunately, I sent the text with the crash language prior to applying better judgment. There are better ways to communicate my frustration than using the words I used. Oh well.
It was not surprising that Devon finally responded. Responded somewhat more maturely than I thought he would have too. Kudos to him for that. Finally showing some signs of emotional maturity? Maybe? Hopefully.
We were at Disney, and I asked Ross to take a picture of me with Chip ‘n’ Dale. His reply? “Why? So you don’t have to crop me out of the photo after you breakup with me?” He often made acid-filled, hurtful comments like that. Constantly hinted that I was going to break up with him, that I would dump him, that I would leave him. In the end, he was right. Almost a year after that Disney trip, I DID leave him. He gave me no other choice.
I’m still trying to make sense of it all.
AEA 